Good Tidings
by iloveatem
Summary: Kaiba is a man who does not tolerate annoyances. What Jounouchi is unaware of is just WHAT exactly that means. Oneshot slight KaiJou


**Good Tidings**

by: _iloveatem_

This fic is dedicated to my good friend **foolish-sage**. We may not like the same pairings, but damn it if I don't still get along with you! Happy Birthday, you old lady you!

* * *

Seto Kaiba hated things that distracted him when he was concentrating.

Jounouchi learned this rather quickly after he became, shall we say, _associated_ with the CEO.

And it was a good thing too. He could just remember the first time he had witnessed, up close, the utter madness that overtook Kaiba when he was dragged painfully out of a successfully attained state of Zen. Kaiba, being Kaiba, a generally private and people-hating human being with hands that twitched with a need to wrap around a human jugular, did not allow this little tweak he had in his personality to show in public.

Which is why Jounouchi nearly died from the scare he received the first time. Or, at least, nearly shit his pants.

---------Telephone

Jounouchi had a little habit. He enjoyed visiting Kaiba's office when school was out. Somehow, despite the fact that they both left the same location at the same time, Kaiba was always settled and well into his work by the time Jounouchi appeared in his doorway.

Of course, it could be because Kaiba had a long, shiny limousine in which Jounouchi was only allowed "under certain pain of torturous wrist crushing." But Jounouchi liked walking anyway. Worked the legs.

After a quiet hour, during which Jounouchi had abducted a corner of Kaiba's spacious office with which to pretend to do homework while really doodling pictures of the female anatomy to freak out his marine biology teacher, and during which Kaiba had neither torn his eyes from the computer screen nor his ass from his leather (and rather comfy looking) chair.

While Jounouchi didn't know this, Kaiba truly had no idea where he was at that particular moment. The fact that he actually was an 18 year old male high school senior, brown hair, blue eyes, six foot, 1 inch, size 12 shoe, and quite a fine looking ass was not registering at the moment. This, ladies and gentlemen, would be what we would call Kaiba-Focus.

He had the incredible ability to focus, in case you hadn't noticed this already. All he knew, at that exact moment in time, were the facts and words racing through his head from the long and rather coded bit of information he had been reading for the past hour. He was going much further with it in his own head: calculations that were incorrect, his profit margin, time which it all would require, etc. He wasn't a billionaire for nothing.

He was thrown head first out of his comfortable mindset by the high-pitched squealing of someone with the unfortunate hearing that made them believe such a ring tone wasn't as brain melting as it truly was.

The patented 'Kaiba Glare' that everyone is always talking about shot straight up Jounouchi's spine. But Jounouchi couldn't find his phone, despite his unorganized and chaotic search for it, which consisted mostly of throwing his stuff about the room in a frenzy, if only to see who was calling him, if not to stop that shiver that shot up his back, the source of which was unknown to him.

He, however, didn't notice the phone, moving slightly with the force of its wailing, on the floor behind him, contently and innocently screaming its display of communication. Kaiba, being Kaiba, saw it.

Within three seconds of when the phone had first began to ring, it stopped, but a whole new sound reached Jounouchi's ears.

A spectacular crunch. And right behind him, too.

Jounouchi flinched, much too late, but turned anyway despite the voice in his brain telling him to "RUN! DUMBASS! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!!"

But he did turn, still sitting (and now, oh, how he was aware of the vulnerability of his position), and looking straight up into the face of one Seto Kaiba, standing like a god (or, more accurately, demon) above him. But with those eyes, filled with the sick furiousness of what Jounouchi could only describe as something gone horribly and cataclysmically wrong. Such intensity was this glare, if that word could even begin to sum it up, and Jounouchi was forced to look down, into the unfortunate remains of what had once been a rather happy and sparkly bit of technology. Although, the bits and pieces of it, while still shiny in their own right, dulled in comparison to the highly polished shoe that had been the cause of its demise, and still stood firmly atop the shattered corpse of Jounouchi's former primary communication device.

It was such an utterly depressing sight that Jounouchi looked back up into the face of the innocent-phone murderer. Kaiba was still glaring, and it could be called that now, for it had decrease by several hundred thousand degrees in intensity.

Jounouchi summoned up the courage to scowl at him.

"The hell, Kaiba?!" was all he got out before he lost his resolve. The man was just so terrifying.

"Cell phones annoy me." And with that simple statement, growled out between clenched teeth with such a force that Jounouchi wondered how said teeth remained attached to his jaw, he turned on his heel, further crunching the pieces into the carpet and packed up his things.

He left just as swiftly, Jounouchi hesitantly trailing behind him. The incident was never mentioned again.

Jounouchi never invested in another cell phone.

-------------Birds

Kaiba enjoyed the window seat while sitting in class. Most students believed Kaiba did this just so he could have a decent look at the grounds, keeping a sharp eye out for crouching paparazzi or, more likely, sniper-sporting assassins, but Jounouchi knew that that wasn't correct at all. The fact was that Kaiba just enjoyed fresh air, just like any normal person, but more so because he was constantly cooped up in an office all day.

…

Why the hell else would he have thrown a card tournament on a blimp?

It was a lecture, once again, one Jounouchi really felt the absolute need not to listen to and one that Kaiba had no need _to _listen to for all the knowledge of said lecture was already stored safely and accurately in his huge expanse of a brain that really was too large for its own good.

Behold, once again, Kaiba's absolute ability to focus. However, this was a different kind of focus.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we like to call 'Kaiba-Zen'.

While the man would never admit to daydreaming, and might just rip out one of your major organs if you accuse him of such, this was the closest he got. Stuck within the recesses of his mind, Kaiba was currently blocking out, rather effectively, everything that was occurring externally in favor of organizing his thoughts and mental schedule.

That is to say, little fantasies about sexual encounters with certain blonds may or may not have been flitting about his head like various bunnies on speed.

And a sound, as most distractions begin, broke jaggedly through his latest bought of hormonally driven and blush-inducing (to any lesser man than Mr. Kaiba, of course) considerations. While such a sound would be enjoyable to any mentally balanced student with the grim fate of being subjected to their school system and longing for a burst of hope, it can not be forgotten that Kaiba is far from mentally balanced. If we are to believe what we have learned, one side of the scale has fallen off completely.

A bird whistling merrily outside the window is what we were talking about. A happy little blue jay, if there are any in Japan, and in this story there is, was strumming its vocal chords atop a simple tree branch approximately 5 yards outside Kaiba's own personal window.

And what a pretty little bird it was! Jounouchi gleamed at it happily, thinking how fortunate it was for a little thing like that to be a happy thing, and possibly the only happy thing, on school grounds.

However, his eyes were caught with a glint of metal. Glancing with a confused look at what Kaiba was doing, Jounouchi watched.

Currently, and with a strange precision that was so obscure it was a wonder how anyone, even someone as generally skilled as Kaiba, achieved it, Kaiba was unwiring two paper clips and hooking them around his left thumb and index finger.

Now, Jounouchi pondered innocently. What was this?

With expert speed that Kaiba must have attained in paperclip bending training school, Kaiba hooked a rubber band over the ends of the two paper clips.

Jounouchi merely became more confused. Had Kaiba finally reached the ultimate level of boredom where he lowered himself to the petty games provided by ordinary office supplies; games that, we know, Jounouchi is well versed in? Or had he just snapped, as Jounouchi knew he inevitably would, and believed himself to be doing something that didn't involve the dismemberment and incorrect reattachment of random objects.

With another flick of the wrist, Kaiba removed a small, silver marble from his coat.

As a side note, it can be said that Jounouchi was and had been extremely curious as to what Kaiba kept in his coat. He was sure of only two things: a checkbook and a pen. And, now, apparently, a marble. But for all Jounouchi knew, and despite all the opportunities he had to check because of his eagerness to rip off said coat, it could have been filled to the brim with M&Ms and miniature lawn gnomes.

Somehow, this wouldn't have struck Jounouchi as surprising.

It was after Kaiba strung the marble into the rubber band and pulled it taunt toward himself that a belated horror dawned on Jounouchi. It was, he realized with a small, conscience-driven twang in his heart, a makeshift slingshot.

It happened quickly. With the precision of a man that was not hunting blue jays from a school building window during a lecture that consisted of a Marine Biology teacher reminding his students not to doodle inappropriate images on their homework, Kaiba aimed his weapon. In a flash, the marble was gone, the rubber band was sagging, and a burst of feathers erupted from a simple tree brand approximately 5 yards from Kaiba's personal window.

He put his tools away, leaned back in his chair, and smiled.

Jounouchi gave a silent prayer for the bird.

-------------Carolers

Ah, it was that time of year again, and again we wonder, do carolers exist in Japan? For the sake of this story, they do. And, in all honesty, the idea of Japanese carolers is absolutely _adorable_.

Christmastime, full of happiness, cheer, and a billionaire CEO getting a blond's Christmas list shoved greedily into his hands.

Jounouchi had put a lot of thought into it this year, because he knew that there was no limit. Earlier in his life, when he lived with his father, his list usually consisted of socks (now it consisted of Sony items), a new backpack (whose spot had been replaced this year by an iPhone), or band aids (this year, he was hoping more for a Mercedes Benz).

Kaiba looked at the list dully, noting that in no place did it say "How to Stop Mooching Off Your Friends for Dummies," the actual present Kaiba got for Jounouchi.

A strange moment occurred when a buzzing began seeping through the floor boards. My my, what was this, Jounouchi thought? Kaiba's house, with a flaw? He meant to prod this at him later ("Ha! Not even _my_ house buzzes!").

Kaiba's eyes shot to his window, and the buzzing got louder. Soon, words morphed out of the buzzing and a rhythm appeared.

It was singing, Jounouchi realized, and not coming from Kaiba's floorboards but, rather, his window.

Rushing to the window, Jounouchi looked out onto the snow-laden lawn to see a group of five people, wrapped in fabric to keep warm, and holding book in their hands in front of their faces, white fog billowing from their mouths as they voiced their Christmas tunes toward the Kaiba mansion.

"_We wish you a merry Christmas, _

_We wish you a merry Christmas, _

_We wish you a merry Christmas, _

_And a happy new year!"_

Jounouchi grinned down at them. Aside from a tree (reluctantly decorated) and a Santa hat (which had yet to find its way to Kaiba's head and was therefore spending most of its time on Mokuba's or Jounouchi's), the Kaiba mansion seemed no different than it usually did. Kaiba wasn't one to celebrate the holidays, and odds were that, if Mokuba wasn't still living under his roof, we wouldn't have. But, with a younger brother to please, and a blond stalker to satiate, he decided to purchase the small and ragged tree that they had, propped it right in the middle of the living room.

At first Mokuba had been disappointed with the tree. He had given Nii-sama just one Christmas responsibility, he said, and that was to get a nice tree. But he hadn't.

Mokuba had immediately stopped talking at the cold look in Kaiba's eyes. Jounouchi saw it too, and instantly said "It's a fabulous tree! All it needs it some decorations, and it'll be magnificent!"

Mokuba had agreed readily, and the look on Kaiba's face had vanished, replaced by some semblance of pride. Perhaps he really did care about the holidays.

"_Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;  
Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year."  
_

Jounouchi stood watching them, tapping his hands lightly on the window sill with the beat. He knew the songs were overused, cliché, and would continue to be just an obnoxious representation of what Christmas was, but there was something about Japanese carolers that he just found _adorable!_

The window before him opened, and Jounouchi turned his head to see Kaiba standing there, looking hard and cold and evil. He gripped the window jam with his knuckles turning white, and he gritted his teeth.

"On _my_ lawn, will you?" he growled out.

"…Kaiba…?" Jounouchi said cautiously.

"_Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;  
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;  
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer."_

Jounouchi never knew what figgy pudding was. Did anyone know? I mean, really?

Kaiba looked to kill.

"Ask _me _for figgy pudding?" he ground through his clenched teeth. Jounouchi had himself pressed against the opposite side of the window, trying to get as far away from Kaiba as possible.

"_We won't go until we get some;  
We won't go until we get some;  
We won't go until we get some, so bring some out here."_

Something in Kaiba snapped, and Jounouchi saw it.

"Here's your damn figgy pudding!" he yelled angrily, hurling what looked to be a rather large and sparking coffee mug out the window. It proceeded to dive right into the center of the mass of singers when a loud "clunk!" and a shattering sound resounded. A huge explosion occurred, with loud screeching and lights scattering into the air with ear-shattering bangs . Buds of flame flew around them and rumbles shook the ground. Screaming, the carolers scattered like ants--one of which was holding on rather tightly to his clearly bleeding ear--jumping over bushes and trashcans to get away as quickly as possible. Many of them had hair or clothing on fire. The explosion continued for several more seconds before stopping, leaving nothing by a dark charcoal stain on the snow and the remains of a coffee mug in its wake.

It was very quiet afterward, and Kaiba returned to his desk and sat down, clicking on an icon on his desktop.

"What the hell was that!?" Jounouchi yelled at Kaiba's head. The man took a minute to answer.

"A coffee mug full of small but terrifically powerful fireworks," Kaiba said. "I was saving them for Christmas eve, but using them a little early never hurt anyone."

Jounouchi's mouth went slack for a second and his brain function ceased, needing a reboot before processing the information.

"Why!?" Jounouchi yelled again.

Kaiba thought.

"No one knows what figgy pudding is, Bonkotsu," he said, turning around in his chair and looking at him matter-of-factly. "It is up to us to come up with our own individual idea of what figgy pudding is. That, Bonkotsu," at this, Kaiba clasped both his hands together and pointed outside. "That is _my_ figgy pudding."

He turned back around and started typing again. He wasn't to be blamed, really, he said. _They _were the ones who asked for a cup of good cheer. He just delivered. Jounouchi walked out of the room.

Maybe he'd make a new Christmas list. Maybe he'd ask for something different this year. A restraining order sounded nice.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

I've never written anything even remotely Christmas related before. It's not a huge deal for me, even if it is a huge source of romance. But, hell, I gave it a shot.

I wrote this as a warning to people to put their Mary Sues into a story and these people bother the shit out of Kaiba. Listen. It won't work. He will KILL you. Or at least dangerously threaten and endanger your life.

SPARE YOUR MARY SUE! KEEP HER AWAY FROM KAIBA! (Even if it is well worth the risk.)

Have a happy, merry (insert YOUR holiday HERE!)

iloveatem


End file.
